Archive | June 2020

‘RULE Police’ and High Emotions… how can we help?

    Recently I was asked to talk about how to best support 4-6yr old girls who are full of attitude and their current mission in life is to ensure others follow the ‘rules’, even when they may not neccesarily themselves. Noticing others not abiding by the rules and commenting to the point where it can feel embarrassing for the adult.

RULE POLICE
Many children go through this stage. They have most likely had ‘rules and expectations’ drilled in to them since they were young and they know people can get hurt or upset to see others not following rules.
But when your child starts calling people out in public it can feel like they have gone to far.

My response to this would be to try to flip it.
Focus on the Positive Opposite.
Rather than commenting on how their name pointing isn’t kind, focus on noticing people making good choices. Start noticing and acknowledging people doing good things while out with your child.

Notice when people put their rubbish in the bin, or when they wait to let others confront of them in the queue etc. If there isn’t anyone making good choices around at the time, I would simply respond short and sweet with something like “perhaps they are still learning about that.”

Model the behaviour you want to see.
The more you point out good choices people are making the more your child will notice and see you are putting your attention in to those who are doing good things, instead of noticing those who are not.

Praise
When your child notices other people’s good choices, praise them “great noticing….”.
Because, where your attention goes, their behaviour grows.

HIGH EMOTIONS
Dealing with High emotions, particularly in young girls, can be challenging. But, we should not react, because, “where my attention goes, their behaviour grows”.

So, when your child is bring a little sassy, respond calmly and briefly, make your expectation clear…
“When you are calm, then we can work together a solution”
“We use kind words”
“In this house, we speak kind to each other”.
“Show me kind” is also a good one.

If your child is expressing the same challenging behaviors often, I recommend responding by focusing on the behavior you want to see more of and praising it. Make this your focus. For example, whenever they DO speak calmly to you or ask for something in nice tone, recognise and praise them for it…. “great kind words” or “that’s a great way to ask”. Verbal praise is great because its specific. The word ‘great’ works well.
Soon your child will learn that ‘when I use kind words, I get a response and more likely get what I’m looking for. When I am not kind, mum doesn’t listen, or give me what I’m wanting, or let me do these great things’

Praise the behaviour you want to see and ignore the behaviour you dont.
It’s really beneficial to work on one behavioural challenge at a time so you can focus on the praise (all the praising will make you feel sick, but trust me, it is soooo worth it)!
Keep your praise consistent to the behaviour you are trying to encourage. As you do this more, your praise can become non verbal, a thumbs up, a high five, even a wink.

These tips and tricks pretty much go for all behaviours that challenge you.
If you dont like it, focus on the positive oppositie.
Model and highlight the behaviour you want to see… this often means it is up to us as the adult to recheck our modeled behaviour. Highlighting happens through verbally recognizing “I notice…..”
Praise the ‘positive opposite’ behaviour as often as you can.

Kia kaha

A story of Hope

I stumbled across Jazz Thornton on social media and learnt of the Voices of Hope foundation which she co-found with Genevieve Mora.

The fight these girls fought to recover from mental illness had me inspired.
I heard about Jazz’s book, ‘Stop Surviving, Start Fighting’, an insight to depression and suicide.
I saw stories of how this book has had such a positive impact on women needing help and support through tough times, I joined Live chats with her and saw the hundreds of ‘thank you’ messages from girls who found strength, courage and hope from reading her book.

I consider my mental health strong, but I knew I had to get my hands on this book as an authentic insight to mental illness.
I bought this book to support Jazz and to help me better understand and support others who are struggling with mental illness.

My sister struggled with her mental health over the years and I have a friend who battles with OCD. I have had friends confide in me and I havent known how to respond. Feeling somewhat awkward and uneducated. I’ve also had my share of struggles that elated to depression, anxiety and eating disorders. I wanted to learn more about mental illness to better understand, and support the people around me.. because we all have our struggles.

I bought the book and couldn’t wait to get stuck in to it! I started it within an hour of recieving it and within 5 days I had finished it.

As I read, I found this book to be nothing like I’ve ever read before. Its raw, real and ruthless.
This book fostered reflection and I knew that for me to get the most out of the book I had to run with my thoughts and reflections, so I started writing in my journal.
I had to keep stopping as the words Jazz shares were so powerful, so real and so relatable. Its intense, yet empowering and inspirational.

There were times I cried and times I smiled. There were times where my heart hurt for Jazz and there was feeling of immense pride for her too.

Jazz’s story, words and insights had me reflecting on my own childhood; my relationship with my sister, the impact of dad leaving and the abuse I experienced as a young girl. It hit home. This story fostered deep reflection and gave me a powerful insight to myself, people around me and mental illness as a whole.

I began to understand why when I was younger I reacted the way I did to certain things and why I made the choices I did. I realized that experiences affected me in ways I didnt even know, until now. I realised the fight I fought to get to where I am today, mentally strong, and I felt proud.

This is a story of hope. A story to show people that no matter the struggles the fight is worth it. We just need to learn how to fight. Jazz shares her tools, what influenced her and how she found the strength to fight.

She gives tips for those supporting others who are struggling and shares an authentic insight to how the mind can be re-wired and taught to fight.

The book leaves you feeling that if Jazz can do it, anyone can. She is so inspiring. Change is possible. Hope is real.

If there is one book you buy or borrow from the library or a friend, make it be Jazz Thorntons.
With New Zealands suicide rates as high as they are, do it for your country, your friends and family, your community.

“Stop Surviving, Start fighting”.

Hope is real.

You’ve got this.

For more, go to www.thevoicesofhope.org