I so often read and hear of people seeking help, guidance and support with behaviors that challenge us. Too often, when I get down to the nitty gritty, these behaviours are clearly challenging because of the way they are being viewed and dealt with.

“All behaviour is Communication.”
-Nigel Latta

Biting? Rough hands? Shouting? Tantrums?

What is the child trying to tell us?

And

How do we respond to the behaviour?

1. What is the behaviour telling us?
 
‘Understanding behaviour and building resilience in the classroom‘ recently shared to facebook…

 
Behaviour is a form of communication. Usually, behaviours that are challenging for adults, are children trying to communicate their frustration, pain, wants and/needs.

Often behaviours are viewed as ‘attention seeking’ however, it is more likely they are seeking connection.

 

“Attention seeking, is connection seeking”.

-Pennie Brownlee

 

2. How do we respond to the behaviour?

Do you send them to ‘time out’ or remove them from the space?
Do you talk to them about how this behaviour is not ok and alternative ways to communicate their wants and needs?
Or
Do you have them say sorry and not return untill they have?

Do you allow your frustration to take over your rational thought?

As adults, we get in to a negative spiral of only seeing the ‘bad stuff’.
Change your default to notice the good stuff, the positives.

“Connect before you correct.” -Nigel Latta

To foster connection,  we need to first build the relationship through positive interaction.  What seems like ‘children testing us’ is actually children trying to understand their place in the world and what is valued behaviour. They learn this based on how we respond to their actions. If we flip our perspective, valuing strengths and praising positives, we will form connection and promote behaviours we want to see more of.

 

“Where the attention goes, the behaviour grows”.

-the Incredible Years Teaching and Parenting course

 

Therefore, we need to praise the behaviour we want to see and ignore the behaviour we don’t want.

Using praise to highlight behaviours we want to see is our most powerful teaching and parenting tool.
In teaching, we talk about ‘positive opposites’.
To start with, focus on the behaviour that is challenging you and put all your energy into praising the ‘opposite’ behaviour, the one that you want to see.
For example, with a child who is biting, praise when the child uses kind hands and kind words.

“Great kind words”… “great kind hands”

These two praises go a long way and are versatile, meaning, you can use these two praises for almost all challenging behaviors (hitting, biting, tantrums, loud voices). The value comes, when you praise these behaviours meaningfully.  Create a culture of kindness.

Be sure when you praise, you make eye contact.

 

“Eye contact is heart contact”.
-The Heart School

 

We can use praise one on one with high fives, words, thumbs up or a kind hand on the shoulder.

We can also double the impact. We double the impact by praising in a group setting… “wow I noticed ….. used their words to ask for a turn when you were finished, that was kind”.
“Did you notice….. do ….? What a kind thing to do”.

We double the impact by telling the childs parents, in ear shot of the child.

We can use our team members to double the impact. Inform them of the behaviour and ask them to praise the child.

Remember,

“Where the attention goes, the behaviour grows”.

-the Incredible Years Teaching and Parenting course

 

Therefore, we need also need to work hard to ignore the behaviours we don’t want to see.  Feed the behaviour no attention.

Eye contact is connection, but it is also attention. Facial gestures are also attention.

Turn your back and walk away is ignore.
You can be smart about this…. you can stay in the same room yet still ignore the behaviour. You can still supervise 100% yet still ignore.
Simply pick up a book and be pretend to read, do the dishes, pick up a broom and sweep. As long as you ‘look’ like you are 100% interested in what you are doing, the child with see you are not interested in what they are doing. We as adults, gave the ability to use our senses without it looking like we are. We can see and hear without looking directly at the subject 😉
If they come over to you, you repeat your expectation… what you last told them …. “when you are calm then you can … play”.

Let’s be real… the child most likely understands this behaviour is not ok, so spare them the lecture. You are wasting your energy giving them a lecture about acceptable behaviour. You dont even need to tell them what they can and should do instead, because you are going to teach them this through praise of the behaviour you want to see, in the ‘sunny moments’ of play.

 

 

Here are a couple of practical examples …

BITING
Biting is usually a child who is trying to communicate They are communicating pain, frustration, wants or needs.

How do we support this?
If its teething we look at providing chewy options. Things they can bit. You can use language like “I cant let you bite …. but you can bite this chewy”.

If they are biting to communicate wants, needs or frustrations, we first need to ensure to safety of others. We cannot just ‘ignore’ this behaviour.
We need to support and teach the child other ways to communicate. Sign language is a great tool, as is doubling the impact by praising other children communicating positively.

Positive encouragement
Whenever the child uses their words to ask for something or express themselves, praise them “great kind words”. Whenever they use kind hands, to hug, gesture or ask, praise them “great kind hands”.

If ever you see this child go to bite but chooses not to, praise them “great choices”.
If they go to bite and get very close to it you can intervene and kindly remind them “stop and think”, just before they do (as a means of I intervention, rather than jumping to stop it). This is a valuable interruption that will actually have them stop and think.

If they do bite, keep it short and simple, keep a calm tone “biting hurts”.
Then put ALL of your attention on the person who has been bitten – comfort, nurse, care for. Use your body to create a barrier and always put your back towards the biter (we do have eyes in the back of our head right?). Do all that you can to feed attention in to this poor victim. Change your tone of voice to be so sad for this person. If it is you they have bitten, use your body language to express the hurt, but also turn and walk away from the child who bit.

 

TANTRUMS
Again, a tantrum is s form of communication. They are feeling stressed, frustrated, angry or hurt.
For a tantrumming child, do not give attention to the behaviour. They are working through big emotions. You can hold the space by sitting nearby, hands in the ‘invitation gesture’ and sit calmly and quietly. When there is a natural break in the tantrum, you can reassure the child….
“When you are calm, then you can …. (play, help me find the eggs/whatever it was of is that will be happening next).”
“Show me when you are ready. I’ll wait for you.
Or, alternatively, if your presence exasperates the behaviour, leave the space. Reaasure them with your words, “when you are calm…..”
Give the child the space they need to work through this moment. It will pass.
Use your other senses to observe from another room/area – listen.

Show the child you are not fazed by this behaviour at all. Do not let them upset your inner peace.

If you are in the supermarket and a tantrum hits in full force, you can explain to onlookers before they get a chance to make a comment to you or the child.
Explain “my child is just working through the fact that I he will not be getting ….. today.” You can always reassure onlookers that you are aware the child is feeling frustrated, but they are safe and just working through their emotions.

Positive encouragement
Then, in the sunny moments when the tantrum is over, child is playing and all is forgotten, when the child makes good choices and works through things, at any given chance, praise them!
“Great using your words”.
“Great keeping calm”.
“Great listening”.
This is when the ‘connection’ happens.

 

If things get worse before they get better, which they often do, as these are new strategies to the child… help the child through it.  As things escalate, you can give the child a choice… “would you like to do it (find your calm) by yourself or would you like my help?”
Either choice is ok. Respect and value their voice. “Great choice”
If they choose help, ask them “great choice, what can I do to help?” Because let’s face it, we don’t actually know, so let’s hear them out, show present and connect.

 

Challenging behaviors foster great learning and reflection for us adults.  They challenge us mentally, emotionally and physically.  But, there is even more happening for the child.  They are busy trying make sense of their world, working out how to connect and do good by others.  Let’s work with them and teach them how.  They want to make us smile, they want to be happy and kind, they want to connect with us and others. Let’s help them out and show them what gets positive attention and helps them to be a kind friend.  Praise the behaviours you want to see.

 

I hope this helps you foster communication and strengthen connections with the children in your care.

I’d live to hear your feedback, questions and/or reflections.

Much love
Nickie