‘RULE Police’ and High Emotions… how can we help?

Jun26
    Recently I was asked to talk about how to best support 4-6yr old girls who are full of attitude and their current mission in life is to ensure others follow the ‘rules’, even when they may not neccesarily themselves. Noticing others not abiding by the rules and commenting to the point where it can feel embarrassing for the adult.

RULE POLICE
Many children go through this stage. They have most likely had ‘rules and expectations’ drilled in to them since they were young and they know people can get hurt or upset to see others not following rules.
But when your child starts calling people out in public it can feel like they have gone to far.

My response to this would be to try to flip it.
Focus on the Positive Opposite.
Rather than commenting on how their name pointing isn’t kind, focus on noticing people making good choices. Start noticing and acknowledging people doing good things while out with your child.

Notice when people put their rubbish in the bin, or when they wait to let others confront of them in the queue etc. If there isn’t anyone making good choices around at the time, I would simply respond short and sweet with something like “perhaps they are still learning about that.”

Model the behaviour you want to see.
The more you point out good choices people are making the more your child will notice and see you are putting your attention in to those who are doing good things, instead of noticing those who are not.

Praise
When your child notices other people’s good choices, praise them “great noticing….”.
Because, where your attention goes, their behaviour grows.

HIGH EMOTIONS
Dealing with High emotions, particularly in young girls, can be challenging. But, we should not react, because, “where my attention goes, their behaviour grows”.

So, when your child is bring a little sassy, respond calmly and briefly, make your expectation clear…
“When you are calm, then we can work together a solution”
“We use kind words”
“In this house, we speak kind to each other”.
“Show me kind” is also a good one.

If your child is expressing the same challenging behaviors often, I recommend responding by focusing on the behavior you want to see more of and praising it. Make this your focus. For example, whenever they DO speak calmly to you or ask for something in nice tone, recognise and praise them for it…. “great kind words” or “that’s a great way to ask”. Verbal praise is great because its specific. The word ‘great’ works well.
Soon your child will learn that ‘when I use kind words, I get a response and more likely get what I’m looking for. When I am not kind, mum doesn’t listen, or give me what I’m wanting, or let me do these great things’

Praise the behaviour you want to see and ignore the behaviour you dont.
It’s really beneficial to work on one behavioural challenge at a time so you can focus on the praise (all the praising will make you feel sick, but trust me, it is soooo worth it)!
Keep your praise consistent to the behaviour you are trying to encourage. As you do this more, your praise can become non verbal, a thumbs up, a high five, even a wink.

These tips and tricks pretty much go for all behaviours that challenge you.
If you dont like it, focus on the positive oppositie.
Model and highlight the behaviour you want to see… this often means it is up to us as the adult to recheck our modeled behaviour. Highlighting happens through verbally recognizing “I notice…..”
Praise the ‘positive opposite’ behaviour as often as you can.

Kia kaha

A story of Hope

Jun25

I stumbled across Jazz Thornton on social media and learnt of the Voices of Hope foundation which she co-found with Genevieve Mora.

The fight these girls fought to recover from mental illness had me inspired.
I heard about Jazz’s book, ‘Stop Surviving, Start Fighting’, an insight to depression and suicide.
I saw stories of how this book has had such a positive impact on women needing help and support through tough times, I joined Live chats with her and saw the hundreds of ‘thank you’ messages from girls who found strength, courage and hope from reading her book.

I consider my mental health strong, but I knew I had to get my hands on this book as an authentic insight to mental illness.
I bought this book to support Jazz and to help me better understand and support others who are struggling with mental illness.

My sister struggled with her mental health over the years and I have a friend who battles with OCD. I have had friends confide in me and I havent known how to respond. Feeling somewhat awkward and uneducated. I’ve also had my share of struggles that elated to depression, anxiety and eating disorders. I wanted to learn more about mental illness to better understand, and support the people around me.. because we all have our struggles.

I bought the book and couldn’t wait to get stuck in to it! I started it within an hour of recieving it and within 5 days I had finished it.

As I read, I found this book to be nothing like I’ve ever read before. Its raw, real and ruthless.
This book fostered reflection and I knew that for me to get the most out of the book I had to run with my thoughts and reflections, so I started writing in my journal.
I had to keep stopping as the words Jazz shares were so powerful, so real and so relatable. Its intense, yet empowering and inspirational.

There were times I cried and times I smiled. There were times where my heart hurt for Jazz and there was feeling of immense pride for her too.

Jazz’s story, words and insights had me reflecting on my own childhood; my relationship with my sister, the impact of dad leaving and the abuse I experienced as a young girl. It hit home. This story fostered deep reflection and gave me a powerful insight to myself, people around me and mental illness as a whole.

I began to understand why when I was younger I reacted the way I did to certain things and why I made the choices I did. I realized that experiences affected me in ways I didnt even know, until now. I realised the fight I fought to get to where I am today, mentally strong, and I felt proud.

This is a story of hope. A story to show people that no matter the struggles the fight is worth it. We just need to learn how to fight. Jazz shares her tools, what influenced her and how she found the strength to fight.

She gives tips for those supporting others who are struggling and shares an authentic insight to how the mind can be re-wired and taught to fight.

The book leaves you feeling that if Jazz can do it, anyone can. She is so inspiring. Change is possible. Hope is real.

If there is one book you buy or borrow from the library or a friend, make it be Jazz Thorntons.
With New Zealands suicide rates as high as they are, do it for your country, your friends and family, your community.

“Stop Surviving, Start fighting”.

Hope is real.

You’ve got this.

For more, go to www.thevoicesofhope.org

The first 30 seconds, shapes their day

May12

With early learning centers and schools re-opening on Monday, after a strange time in our world, I couldn’t help but think about how the children will be welcomed and greeted on their first day back. This is just as much for parents… think about how you greet your child on pick up, or when you get home from work.

Years ago I read an article which talked about the impact, the first 30 seconds of arriving in your ece setting, has on your child’s day. It sets the tone for the day. Sadly, I cant find the article and never took a copy 🙄
The article talked about how when adults ask lots of questions and expect answers right on arrival can cause stress for children, impacting on their transition and day.

    “How are you?
    How has your morning been?
    How was swimming last night    ?”

The short article made me reflect and change my practice immediately, it was that good! I wish I could find it 🤨

For years, I greeted the children in Maori, “Morena, ata marie”, and asked a question … “Kei te pehea koe? how are you?”

Sometimes I got a response and sometimes I didnt.

Since reading and reflecting on this article, I began to greet children and families with “Morena, it’s nice to see you today.”

Over the years, I saw the true benefit of this simple change. The response I got from children and their families was far more authentic as it fostered genuine connection. The smiles, the eye contact and the response “it’s nice to see you too Nickie” was so heart warming.

Responding to a greeting is an adult expectation, however, it is a skill that needs to be developed for children. Avoid pressure and lose the expectation of a response by making an inviting statement. They will respond when they are ready. This is a genuine way to foster and promote social and emotional skills.

This form of greetings became infectious. Other teachers i was working with started to do it too. It was such a pleasant welcome to hear.

This simple statement, because that’s all it is, doesn’t ask for a response. There is no pressure on the child. Yet it says welcome, you are special here. I will take care of you.

This way of greeting fosters genuine connection.

Heres a few tips…

As the adult and teacher, you need to approach the child and family. Welcome and invite them in;

“Good morning ….. it’s nice to see you today.”

If you know their name, use it. If you dont and have time to find out before they arrive, do so.

“Eye contact is heart contact”
– The Heart School

SMILE

Avoid pressure to answer questions. Comment “It’s nice to see you today”
“It’s great to see you remembered your raincoat today”

Be consistent.

Feel the connection.

An inviting welcome statement like this fosters a sense of trust and belonging while building self esteem and strengthening connections.

So, when you see the children on Monday, how will you greet them?

Will they get a series of invasive questions on arrival?
How are you?
How was your time in isolation?
What did you do while in isolation?

Or

“Good morning ….. it’s nice to see you today.”

Tantrums for learning

May5

I recently had a phone call about this and then today read a post of someone asking ‘How to deal with 1 year old tantrums?” So I felt it necessary to write about.

Tantrums are three things…. smart behaviour, big emotion and communication.

WHY
Your child is likely tantruming for two reasons; they cannot get what they want, or they are communicating with you. Possibly telling you they really want something and hope that if they make a big fuss they will get it.

Your child is experiencing big emotions. Treat them with kindness, but remember to not give the behaviour attention.

WHAT TO DO
You can hold the space, by sitting in the same room, perhaps in different areas. Sit at their level, probably on the floor, with hands open, in an invitational gesture, (see Happy days with Toddlers) and wait. Sit and wait quietly. This time and space allows the child to work through their emotions, while feeling supported by you. The key part here is that you say nothing. Just sit, invite and wait.

CALM
When they are calm, then they can communicate. This is why you read about the importance of children doing mindfulness practices. We need to teach children to self soothe/find their calm. Find presence. Then they, and you, can communicate with reason instead of emotional reaction.

COMMUNICATION
Every aged child can communicate when you promote communication. Communication is talking AND listening. From infancy, you can teach nz sign language or baby sign, children will use this for the next 5 years! Sign language promotes verbal language and communication.
For more information on this, check out Raising infants

We need children to know their voice is valued and heard…. when they are calm.

When your child tantrums, you respond with
“When you are calm, then you can tell me”

STAY STRONG
If the tantrum is because you have said no to something, you MUST stick to your word.
Keep it short, less words the better. Try and get your point across in 5 words or less.
If the tantrum continues, you simply respond with the same words you said. Repeat. Repeat.

Your child needs to learn that when you say no, you mean it. They need this for when they are older, to know that when someone says no, they mean it, listen.
This is a vital life skill.

WALK AWAY
If the child is tantruming and is not calming, walk away and encourage others to leave the room also. You can supervise from afar (without them seeing). This shows you are not interested in their behaviour and you do not accept it.

Walking away is often the toughest step, but by showing you are not interested in the behaviour the child will see it is not going to get them what they want.

Walk away. Take this time to take 3-5 present breaths. Find your calm. It takes 90 seconds for the brain to calm and change from a reactive state to a responsive state. Give your brain the time it needs.

Tips for walking away…
– make up a song
– sing your favorite song
– turn on the radio
– pretend to read a book or magazine (a great tool for supervision from afar)

Let the child know your expectations…
“When you are calm you can join us”.

Remember,

“Where the attention goes the behaviour grows”
– Incredible years teaching course.

When you show your child that you are not interested in their ‘noise’, they will learn that this behaviour is not effective. They can start to find their calm and work on their communication skills – talking AND listening.
The role you have to play is in keeping consistent. Stick to your word and do what you said you would do.

TRIGGERS
Know the triggers.
You know your child. Be smart about this. If you know what triggers your child, avoid it.
Make their life and learning successful. If it is something that has to be done, or is routine, so be it. It has to be done.
This is life. We all have to brush our teeth and shower every day. But, you can prepare and communicate with your child.

Waiting can be difficult for children and can trigger tantrums. Try using your fingers to count down time for them can be helpful. For more on this, see my post Happy days with Toddlers
Under 6 years, you get to call how long the time takes! So, 5 or 8 minutes might pass before you show and tell the child that it’s now 4 minutes to wait. It doesn’t matter! They are seeing it getting closer. Under 3 years, use only 2 fingers, countdown to 1 and then it is ‘time’. Over 3yrs, you can start counting down at 5 minutes.

TANTRUMS FOR LEARNING
Focus on your own communication – give warnings before change, do what you say you will do, listen to your childs voice and practice kindness.
Teach your child to communicate their wants and needs, work through their emotions, express themselves creatively, listen to others and practice kindness.

Do not let your child upset your inner peace. They are working though something. Guide them.
Acknowledge their feelings, give them notice, countdown on fingers, communicate and be consistent. Be strong. You’ve got this.

Be patient. Be kind. Be calm. Be present. Be responsive.

    Kia kaha, stand tall.

Related posts:

Raising infants
Happy days with Toddlers
Empowering our Young Children
Behaviours sent to challenge us

Create an ‘Outdoor Play Kitchen’

Apr25

Stuck for something to do while in isolation? Do you want to promote engrossed play?
Do you want to foster learning?
Do you want your children to connect with nature instead of the internet?
Or
Are you a teacher wanting to get your teeth stuck in to something when you return to your learning setting?

I challenge you to work together with your child/ren to
Plan, create and build a mud kitchen/outside play kitchen in your back yard.


www.arkandluna.com.au

    First up, you need to plan where. Talk about this together. Work through reasonings. This needs to be in a space where the ground can get stood on and potential turn to dirt/mud, preferably where near forage and in reach of a hose to maintain tidiness of the space.

    Next, the plan. Take a walk around the house together. What have you got at home? Can you reuse and recycle some junk? Perhaps a pallet or 2, some old wood, an old table, some wood crates, buckets, baskets and bowls?

    Keep it simple and use what you’ve got!

    What resources have you got around the house? Sticks, shells, bark, stones. Chuck in an old pot, pan, bowl, plastics, muffin trays, jugs and kitchen utensils.

    Do some gardening to add to the space. Plant some herbs, grass and pansies in small pots or old crockery.

    Have you got some large rocks or log stumps/rounds? These make good seats.

    Cable reels make great tables, tyres, planks of wood or recycle an old table.

    There doesn’t need to be water running to it, but if there is a nearby outside tap you could establish expectations early – fill only as needed and turn tap off or tap stays at drippings with bowl unerneath.

    Discuss where you want children to ‘clean’ selves when play is finished.

    20200425_135609

    Creating a play space outside where children can play freely and use their imagination holds great learning benefits.

    In this space, children can create, explore, imagine and discover. Children with explore language as they role play. They will invite you in to their play, offering tasty treats and you can gratefully accept, joining their play.

    Preparing the play space in the kitchen, cleaning up during or after the play all teaches aspects of managing self.

    There are also great sensory benefits when working with and playing in nature. All senses are fuelled within this space – touch, sound, sight, taste and smell. The children will also be soaking up the healing properties in nature.

    20200425_133824
    www.arkandluna.com.au

    As the child/ren mix dirt with water, watch a worm dig or plant herbs and nurture them to grow, they explore science and nature concepts.

    As they work creating tasty morsels, filling containers, counting how many treats needed, sorting and working with order, children explore early mathematical learning.

    Place a clipboard and pencil nearby and I’m sure they will make use of this somehow too. A great extension for early literacy – they might write recipes menus or orders.
    If you have concrete nearby, chalk is a great resource.

    This space will allow the child/ren to become deeply engrossed in their play, thus making the learning more meaningful.

    This space is a working space and can be continuously added to and beautified. Allow the child/ren to take ownership of this space. Allow them to imagine, create and play out their ideas. Let them take the lead in their learning. Let them own this space. Children will play in such a space for years to come.

    Need some more ideas an inspiration?

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    One last note… do I need to remind you about our attitude towards weather?

    Its time to change our attitude


    While the days are sunny and dry at the moment, even when it rains, remember, there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing!
    Be smart about your attitude and your approach. Let the children play. Much love.

    Covid 19 – The challenge is set for us to rise above!

    Apr21

    Yesterday it was announced that in New Zealand we have 1 more week in Level 4 Lockdown and then we go to Level 3.

    We are going to be in this for some time. So this one is for you. Particularly if you have children at home.

    Without challenges we cant rise above.
    It’s all about perspective…. how we view things, how calm we can stay and how we respond during these crazy times. The better we can do this, the higher we can rise coming out of this.

    These are unprecedented times. Everyone is facing different challenges and emotions are high. Some of us experiencing feelings we haven’t before.

    Jacinda says we must BE KIND and she is spot on. Start with being kind to YOURSELF.

    20200403_091010

    The feelings you feel today are totally valid. No one knows how to deal with these changes, but we all have the power to be kind ourselves. Find some positive, good WILL come from this and the sun will rise again tomorrow.

    Keeping calm, kind and positive is most important, for you and your children. Our children feel our stress, tension, sadness and frustration. They also sense our joy, our calm, and our positivity.

    Inner voice
    I had a phone call from a friend, she was so sad, upset about all sorts of things. We talked about waking up our inner voice. Being aware of what it is saying and remembering to be kind to ourselves.
    I quoted my favourite quote “let your inner voice be the kindest voice you know”.

    I remind myself of this every day. No one can lift you up, feed your soul or give you motivation like you can. So give yourself that time. Because you are so worthy!

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      “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.”
      – Christian D. Larson

    There is no better time than now, to drop ALL parental expectation and worry of judgement, during this time. You do you! Focus on your family and what feels right for you right now.

    Children at home
    Children learn best through play, so, foster this. The more play the better. Preferably unadulterated play. The more children play without you, the deeper their learning.
    Often when children play with adults, the adult adds their ‘truth’ (see my blog post), or what learning they think ‘should’ be happening. When actually, if we allow the child to lead the play and the adult plays the ‘follower’, children connect with their game/play and learn, on a deeper level.

    Empowering our Young Children

    Children will invite you to their play… offer you food from their kitchen, ask you to build blocks with them, want to make a hut. If we can play the ‘silent partner’ and allow them to take us in to their world, we are enabling deep learning to occur. Letting them lead the play fosters engrossed play. Which in turn, promotes play. The more they play the more you can do your work.

    I believe whether you have 1, 3 or 5 children at home, the teaching should be the same. Promote unadulterated play. Encourage your child to play without you.
    Yes a single child misses the ‘social’ part, but that’s when you come in, as a silent partner- be their friend but dont lead or guide the play.
    This will happen in windows throughout the day, naturally allowing times for the child to also play alone.
    Allow siblings to deal with their own issues. Enter their chaos with calm. Give then the expectation that they can sort it out, so in a calm manner, remind then “talk about it, work it out”.
    You only need to step in if someone is going to get hurt.

    If you are being the ‘entertainer’ then your child is going to want to be entertained or have entertainment all day long. Encourage your child to play in the garden, give them some resources, perhaps some blankets, sheets, books, cushions, rope, wood.
    Lego/blocks, cards, puzzles.
    Encourage them to play with their ‘toys’.
    Then, have them you prepare food for the day.

    Have your children support you doing ‘house’ stuff. Teaching them cooking, cleaning, washing, and for the older ones, perhaps how to change a tyre. Just living is learning.
    If you need support in understanding the learning that occurs in different ‘house jobs’ I can elaborate…
    Lets start with the washing – these are life lessons –

    Sorting – what washing goes in each load? whose is whose clothes?
    Matching socks (your 2 yr old can work on this) – this is early maths learning!

    Hanging, folding – hand eye co ordination, motor skills.

    Helping – team work, kindness, managing self

    Conversation – language, social learning, listening, understanding, following instruction.

    Baking – science, maths, language, life skills, managing self

    Gardening – connection with nature, kindness, presence, care and nurturing, connection, the wider world.

    There is a lot of great learning available online. However, I urge you to closely supervise online activity.

    School work.. now that’s an interesting one. I personally believe if your child wants to do school work, that’s fine. The Ministry of Educationhave sent put some cool learning packs and there is ‘school stuff’ on He Papa Kainga – the Learning Hub TV2 9-3pm weekdays. BUT, if your child doesn’t want to, dont put ANY pressure on them or you to do so. They are already learning.

    We need to lose the pressure, avoid social media if this makes you feel negatively – anxious, not good enough, different, etc.

      “Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness”
      – Deborah Day

    Hot Tip
    Start the day with movement and nature. Exercise – walk, bike ride, work out and GET OUTSIDE.

    Implement routine and introduce some positive rituals.
    Paul and I every day at dinner talk about what we are grateful for each day. A small ritual like this fosters reflection, positivity and communication. We must take time to find gratitude in our world.

    Write down things you ‘miss’ and want to do when this isolation period is lifted. Put them in a jar and when all of this is over, get the jar and work through achieving these things.

      “Start where you are,
      Use what you have,
      Do what you can      . ”
      – Arthur Ashe

      Stay home
      Stay clean
      Stay calm
      Stay kind

      “Lets finish what we started”
      – Jacinda Ardern

    Covid19 Isolation toolkit

    Mar19

    This is a strange time for us all. Add the challenge of being at home with the children day in, day out, indefinitely. Below are some FREE ideas for at home activities to do together with your child/ren while in isolation. Most importantly, enjoy each others company. Use this time to connect. You dont have to ‘play’ all day, but, be sure to make time to connect with your child so they have a full ‘love bank’ and therefore don’t seek connection with you all-day-long. When you give them pockets of your undivided time, you fuel their soul to then be able to go and do something alone. If you forever ‘rob’ them of this, they will seek connection from you for what seems like ALL day, EVERY day.

    NATURE IS THE BEST PLAYGROUND!

    Go outside, no matter the weather.
    Rain, hail or snow… dress for the weather and get out in it. Feel it, taste it, explore it.

    Walk in the neighbourhood, notice the trees, the numbers on letter boxes and look at the clouds.
    Go for a Bush walk – listen to the birds, look closely at the ground, what wildlife can you see? Are there bugs under the dirt?
    Go to the beach and collect treasures.

    Go on an outside ‘treasure hunt’ – pine cones, gum nuts, pumice, stones, shells, sticks – take it home and play – look closely at the treasure, sort them, create pictures with them, build with them, use them to create art. When done, return them back to nature.

    Create a fairy garden
    Buy a magnifying glass and go out and explore nature up close. Rummage through the top layers of soil, look close up at a tree.

    Plant some flower seeds, nurture then and watch them grow.
    Pick daisies.


    Make a sensory vase with sweets from the garden – even if only greenery… bring nature inside.
    Learn the art of weaving harekeke/flax.

    THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO!

    Play…. let the child lead the play. “Tell me what you want me to do”. Or, simply follow their lead.

    Play dress ups
    Do some baking together… lick the bowl and spoon
    Make pizzas.
    Prepare meals together.

    Build huts inside with furniture and sheets… Sit inside and tell imaginative stories, read books, puzzle, eat, sleep.
    Laugh
    Draw pictures of each other

    Draw pictures of yourself while sitting in front of the mirror
    Make junk creations
    DANCE
    Play hide and seek
    Tell imaginative stories
    Have a long bath
    Learn a new craft

    Read books.
    Do puzzles together.
    Make a band… using kitchenware and nature! Hot tip: Wood, nature and plastics make softer sounds
    Wash the car.
    Write letters and draw pictures to send to family and friends.
    Do YOGA together

    This is a strange time for all of us. Ultimately, we need to look after ourselves and our families first. Remember what is important. Time.

    Children sense our feelings. They pick up what we put down. So, Keep clean, keep calm, and keep positive. We have so much to be grateful for. Find joy in having the opportunity to spend this time together.

    Make new memories.

    For more, see Covid 19 – The challenge is set for us to rise above!

    Wishing you well.

    Stay Healthy, Stay Strong.
    Kia kaha. Stand Tall.

    Arohanui, much love.

    Empowering our Young Children

    Mar18

    When I talk about young children, I’m talking typically aged 3-6years.

    This is the stage where children learn about toileting and therefore dressing and undressing themselves. This is the stage where children start learning about taking care of their things and taking care of themselves. It is at this stage children start to take ownership of and pride in their belongings. They begin to develop a sense of self worth. We want to encourage this. So ultimately, all of our actions and interactions should empower independence.

    We all know that this is not the stage where learning to read and write overrules, because that time will come when they get to school.

    This is the stage where we foster imagination, self confidence, problem solving, resilience, self help, negotiation and kindness. Children will naturally show interest in writing their name on their artworks or noticing letters from their name in books or the playground. We can certainly extend on this, but it should not be our focus. Our focus is on growing resilient, curious, confident and kind communicators.

    How do we do this??
    It is all in how we act and interact.

    FOSTERING SELF CARE
    When a child asks “where are my shoes?” Or “I cant find my lunchbox”.
    … DO NOT go and ‘find it for them. Encourage independence and foster empowerment. My typical response, in a kind manner, is… “I’m not sure, I havent been wearing your shoes 🤷‍♀️”.
    Not to be funny, but to make them think.

    As soon as we start ‘finding’ things for them, they will FOREVER expect you to do everything for them. Pretend you cant. You are too busy. If they want something they will find it/get it themselves. This is not ‘mean’ this is encouraging the behaviour you want to see. Because let’s face it, you dont want to.raise lazy or demanding children that think the world literally revolves around them. You want independent and confident problem solvers… right?

    ‘I can’t put my shoes on”
    … dont do it for them…. show them. Take 5 minutes to teach them. Then next time, you will do less than the time before.

    FOSTERING LEARNING THROUGH PLAY
    When it comes to play, childrens work, allow them uninterrupted time and space, stay out of their play.

    Allow children the opportunity to get fully engrossed in their play, game and conversations, without adults intervening with their unnecessary ‘truths’. By truths, I’m talking about adult beliefs, understandings, ideas and opinions. This is the ultimate way to squash the play and stop the learning.

    I will never forget the day… I had 2, 4yr old girls sitting at the table eating lunch. One picked up a small block of wood and started ‘swiping’ across it. She said “this is my IPad“. Her friend picked a marmite sandwich from her lunch box and put it on her eye, she said “this is my Eye Pad”.

    Each of these girls had a different truth based on their home life and upbringing. One child clearly had her very own IPad, when the other had no idea what her friend was even talking about. She had her own understanding of an eye pad. … so, was it important for me to jump in and explain to the sandwich girl what an IPad is and ultimately squash her concept of an eye pad? No. What benefit would that have? This girl was using her imagination and problem solving. Far more significant learning than what I could have given. It is more beneficial for us as adults to bite our tongue and keep our opinions, knowledge and ‘truths’ to ourselves and just allow the learning to unfold, meaningfully.

      “Be careful what you teach,
      it might I interfere with what they are learning”
      -Magda Gerber

    Here’s another story…
    3yr old boy looks over at the hills and points, “look, there’s smoke up in the hills, they caught a pig, yeah, they sent the dogs out and they caught a pig. Now they are cooking it, singeing it, for their dinner”.

    This boy was using his imagination, he was relating his prior knowledge to this moment and he was sharing what he knew, with me. If I then turned around and told him this was fog, I would have squashed all of that and shown him his voice is not valid.
    He is not going to be 20 years old and not understand ‘fog’. This was not the learning that needed to come right now. It was far more important right now, for this child to make sense of his learning, use his imagination and have his voice heard and validated.

      “When you teach a child something,  you take away forever, his chance of discovering it themselves.”

      -Jean Piaget

    If a ‘stick’ can be a wand, a guitar, a shovel, a horse, a gun, a microphone,  a fishing rod, a spoon or even a ski pole,
    How do you know what it is for that child in that moment?
    And who are we to squash that play and say its ‘just a stick’?

    FOSTERING SOCIAL COMPETENCE
    Adults should only be involved in childrens’ play when we are invited, like the above story, where the boy was teaching me about pig hunting, or if someone is going to get hurt. And then, only then, we intervene, and in a manner to empower, right?

    In conflict situations, we must encourage communication, problem solving and negotiation, because these are skills we need in later life.
    When you approach, with the invitation gesture, you can simply say “I won’t let you hurt”. Followed with “what is happening here?”

    It is not up to us to solve their problems. Avoid telling them what words to use or assuming what has happened.
    Remind them to let each other talk and to listen. Allow them the opportunity to think. You can then prompt “what can we do about it?” (Because remember, we are not here to solve their problems).

    Group learning situations can be a challenge for adults but they are so beneficial for childrens learning. Be sure to listen and validate.
    You don’t need to be the one that ‘rights the wrong’ and solves their arguements… or they will forever scream, cry or hurt others to resolve their conflicts. They need us to empower them, by encouraging them to solve their own conflicts, because, nothing is resolved by reacting, and we all know an adult is going to take sides… too often the wrong ‘side’.
    Remind them, to “Talk to each other”. Empower them, encourage them to do the thinking. Because they are so capable when we just give them the chance!

    Remember, nature is the best playground for all of this learning to occur.

      “In nature, a child finds freedom, fantasy and privacy. A place distant from the adult world, a separate place.”
      -Richard Louv

    I will work on a post about ‘Fostering a connection with nature‘. Be sure to check in so you dont miss it.

    I hope you are enjoying my blog.

    Nga mihi nui,
    Nickie

    Happy days with Toddlers

    Mar13

    The term ‘terrible twos’ makes me cringe. If you see this stage as that, that is exactly what it will be. Or, you can change your attitude and view children in this stage as curious, energetic and joyful.

    This is one of those stages where we MUST change our attitude

    Its time to change our attitude

    Toddlers go through a big change in emotional and physical development as they learn to walk, talk, and find their place in this world. They are curious, gaining understanding of the world around them, how things work, routines and expectations and joy for life.

    PREPARE
    Toddlers are busy explorers who want to touch, feel and tuttoo as they learn through their senses.
    So how do we manage this learning? We need to prepare the environment in a way that enables them to play out their urges without leaving the adults/teachers feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

    The tipping and transportation urges are often extreme in the toddler stage, so, to manage this, fill your environment with larger objects (pinecones, pumice, large shells boxes/containers, blocks, toy cars) baskets, bags and trolleys.

    It is our role to support them in their learning and enable them to play out their urges. The more we plan the environment to allow children to fulfill their play urges, the sooner they will move/work through the urge. The more we try to stop it, the more they will do it, it’s an urge and they need to fulfill it. This is where the frustration comes for the adults.

    Pennie Brownlee has written an article titled ‘Something made me do it’. You can find it at https://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/articles.html

    Brownlee delves deeper into play urges in her fabulous book titled ‘The Sacred Urge to Play’. Check it out. This book is a necessary read for anyone working with or caring for children.

    Both of these readings will change your perspective as they help you understand the makings of a harmonious play space.

    PLAY
    As well as creating an environment to foster childrens play urges, we need to prepare the environment with spaces for a variety of play experiences. Through play, they make sense of their world.

    As I mentioned, toddlers are learning through their senses. Take them outside. Nature will work and stimulate ALL senses. Children cannot bounce off the walls if there are no walls.

    Provide a space where they can dig, climb, roll and jump… Trees, sandpit, mud/dirt, boxes etc.

    Family play – cooking, cleaning (dustpan and brush), dress ups.

    Trolleys and balls are also great resources for learning, however, it is important to have plenty. 3 won’t cut it when you have 10 children in your space.

    Yes, children need to learn to ‘take turns’ but this doesn’t happen in the toddler stage.

    ‘You can have a turn when I’m finished‘ is a kind way to encourage social learning. Everyone deserves the right to complete their turn with anything. And, we need to trUst that the child WILL finish. It is then, that someone else can have a turn. Please respect this.
    If we make a big deal of it, the child is only going to want it for longer, because remember, ‘where the attention goes, the behaviour grows’.

    CONFLICT RESOLUTION
    Toddlers will often have challenges and conflict in their play.
    We foster empowerment by allowing children time to work through their struggles, frustrations and ‘learning moments’. Trust that your child is capable of doing so, because you have been feeding them the tools to work through these. They can do it! This is learning!

    Often disagreements happen over objects at this age. The only time we need to step in is if someone is going to get hurt.
    Therefore, Observation and presence are key when toddlers are playing socially.

    Toddlers haven’t learnt about social cues nor do they have the language to express their wants and needs. Often this can result in physical harm such as hitting, kicking and biting.

    Behaviours sent to challenge us

    If things get violent, approach calmly and offer your help, without assumption ‘can I help you?’ We can support them with the words ‘you can have a turn when I’m finished’.
    Sign language is great for bringing calm and reassuring – ‘kind hands’, ‘hurt’, ‘finished’.

    COMMUNICATION IS KEY
    Just imagine you are busy working on something, a craft project or baking a cake, and someone comes and tells you it’s time to go to the toilet, or to the shops. You have to drop everything and go. Your glue will set or your mixture will go glat. Tough. It’s time to go.

    How would you feel?

    So, the key is to be respectful and communicate.

    It all comes down to communication, fairness and respect. Would you want to be whisked away?

    Inform the child a routine, ritual or transition is about to occur.
    ‘2 minutes’ is a good way. Showing 2 fingers.
    Then you go back, ‘1 minute’
    Then finally ‘it is time to ….’.

    The child has had warning. They have been able to complete their play or get it to a point where they are happy to leave it and come back to it later.
    As the adult, it is important to choose your timing for how long each ‘minute’ takes. Observe the child, know when it is a fair time, choose your battles. If they are fully engrossed in what they are doing, make it a long minute. If they look like they are ready to move on to the next thing, make it a very short minute…make the most of the natural breaks in their play. Be smart about it. Observe and notice what they are doing. Know when to approach for best results.

    If, when you tell them after the warnings, that it is time to go (or when you need them to do something that you have told them will be happening in 2 minutes, because warnings are so important), and they defy, you simply give them choices.

    Choices are so valuable. They help the child feel like they are in control.
    Only ever 2 choices. If you are needing them to do something (nappy change, brush teeth, get dress or get in the car) you simply give them the choice of ‘by yourself or with my help?’
    Either way, they are coming.
    Or you give a choice of ‘are you going to wear the red socks or the blue socks?’ Either way, they are wearing the socks.
    You see?
    Yet they feel power in the situation because it is ultimately their choice.

    Either choice is a good choice. Remember you gave them the choice. So dont offer a choice you are not ok with. Dont ridicule them for choosing that they want your help. You gave them the choice, so whichever choice is a good one. Regardless, the ‘job’will be done.

    So often, tantrums occur because we haven’t communicated clearly.
    It is important to keep words to a minimum and repeat the same sentence/choices/wording consistently. Use the same words. If they dont respond the first time, avoid ‘glorifying’ with more words or rephrasing. just repeat what you said the first time, in the same kind tone. As soon as you change your wording you are showing there is leniency in your expectations. Keep it consistent. If they ask for an alternative choice, you simply respond with the first two choices you gave them. This teaches the child to trust your word, your expectations and know what you say is how it is.
    Tone is so important here. Use a kind tone in all of this. They are not in trouble.
    Defiancy only happens when we disrespect and treat them without kindness. Remember, kindness is key!

    INVITATION GESTURE
    Invitation is a great strategy for bringing calm, communicating and respecting a childs space.

    Pennie Brownlee talks about the invitation gesture.
    Please take the time to check out her explanation at https://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/articles.html article titled ‘Will you, won’t you”.

    The invitation gesture is so powerful!
    In my 18+ years of teaching, this has been perhaps one of my MOST VALUABLE and effective learnings.

    Since implementing ‘invitation’ and showing patience while I allow children the time to respond, I have found relationships strengthen far quicker than without. Trust is formed and their voice is valued. It is empowering to see that children ACTUALLY know what they want and need and when they are ready they will respond. This tool can be used for children of all ages. There is less confrontation as they get older as we continue to use it, toddlers respond particularly well to being given time and space to respond, when THEY are ready!

    “Show me when you’re ready” is a great way to allow them to feel they have a choice in the matter.

    “Show me when you’re ready”
    … for me to change your nappy, to brush your teeth, to put your shoes on.
    Sitting with your hands open, inviting them, shows them you are waiting. Children want to please. They want to make you happy. While you wait, in a calm, patient manner, using the invitation gesture, they WILL come! Try it!

    If a child is hurt, I would ask ‘can I help you?’ And invite them in.
    Just woken from their sleep? ‘Would you like a hug?’ With invitation gesture.

    It is NOT OK for us to ‘assume’a child wants a hug or to be picked up. Please ask them first, using the invitation gesture.

    Respect fosters respect.
    Kindness attracts kindness.
    Communication promotes communication.

    For years we have under valued the ability and understanding children have, from birth!
    We just need to communicate clearly and with kindness. Empower our children. Believe in them and allow them the freedom to choose.

    Here’s to happy days with our toddlers!

    If there is something I haven’t covered, or an area you would like more support with, let me know in the comments section below.

    Nga mihi nui
    Nickie

    Raising infants

    Mar9

    Infants are precious, curious and they crave connection. Raising an infant is about presence – head, heart and hands. Go slow, be patient, listen and observe.

    CARE ROUTINES
    Care routines are the most crucial times for connection. Care routines create opportunities to build your relationship and connect with the child, one on one, face to face. It is during these times we must be fully present. Turn your mind off. Now is not the time to be thinking about what’s for dinner, where you are going on the weekend or your latest Instagram post. Feeding a bottle, changing a nappy or putting in to bed…. your focus should be FULLY on the child. Be present, listen, talk smile and interact. Be with the child, fully.

      “When you hold an infant, hold him not just with your body, but with your mind and heart”

      – Magda Gerber

    COMMUNICATION
    Care routines are the time to communicate and connect. Sign language is a great way to foster communication and understanding.

    Sign language promotes connection and understanding and is a great way to foster communication. There is a myth that using sign language can hold children back from speaking, but it is actually the opposite. You say the words as you sign, there is a connection made, the child understands what you are asking and they can then respond.

    Start with simple relevant signs such as ‘bottle/milk’, ‘sleep’ and ‘nappy’.
    When you have these sorted, you can go on to learn more signs such as ‘more’, ‘finished’, ‘food’, ‘drink’ and ‘hurt’.

    I recommend this book on Baby Sign by Karyn Warburton. Simple illustrations and a helpful index. You could also use New Zealand Sign Language for the same effect.

    There is nothing more powerful than when an infant can ask what they want before they can actually speak verbally. This will help you, and others, connect and understand the child. It’s such a great tool. Learn a sign language that is right for you and your family and use it consistently.

    BEING CONSISTENT
    When it comes to routines and rituals, it is important to think about your expectations for this child at 6months, 12months and 2 years down the track. What you do now has an impact on their expectations from you and other adults later. The ability to self settle is empowering. Teaching this and believing in the expectation will set them up for positive sleep patterns later. Particularly important for children who will be cared for by others.
    Be consistent, be present and be strong. ‘Baby Wise’ by Robert Bucknam and Garry Ezzo, has some great tips for teaching self settling. Do what you mean to continue, trust in the ability of the child and through your interactions and expectations, foster indepedence and empowerment.

    PLAY TIME
    A childs play time is a time for the child to learn, explore, and just be. Allow them the space to do so. You fill them with connection and communication during their care routines, and let’s face it that happens consistently through the day, but their brain also needs this time for free, uninterrupted play. Play time is not when we get in their space, solve their problems, share our opinion and feed them with irrelevant mumbo jumbo – ‘baby talk’, ‘hot air’ or talking just to break silence. This is when their space should be totally respected as they take ownership of their learning, at their own pace. Allow them the opportunity to explore their own body, how it moves, its strength, its ability. Let them be. Stop fussing. Please!
    Challenge yourself to sit back and watch. Allow them to work through their frustrations. Give them the space and freedom to explore their body and its abilities. Bite your tongue if you have to.

      “Observe more, do less”

      – Pennie Brownlee.

    Check out Pennies article titled ‘Ego and the baby’ @ https://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/articles.html

      “What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe… then you will respond in the right way”.
      – Dr. Emmi Pikler

    LEARNING EXPERIENCES
    There will be times where infants seek connection when not at a care routine, where they won’t settle in to their space of play. Be sure to think before you speak and keep these interactions meaningful.
    Here are some simple connection experiences for you…

      Sit together in the grass. Notice the smell, listen to the sounds, feel the grass and watch the trees.

      Give your child a Foot massage… you can talk about their toes, feet, legs. Move their legs, work their muscles and allow them to feel their body.

      Provide different materials for sensory exploration – fur, wool, silk, wood, cotton. You can talk with them about how these feel, or simply watch how the child responds to each one.

      Lay on the floor with them and read a book or tell an imaginative story.

      Play a variety of world music and watch their response. Explore rhythm with some instruments.

      Lay/stand a mirror so the child can look at their reflection, their face features and the way their body is moving. Lay alongside then so they can see you in there too. Hours or fun and learning.

      Do yoga where they can see you.

      “An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning,  the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”

      – Pennie Brownlee